Knowing or Convincing?

A few days ago, I realised how positive I am. By this, I mean I don't like to put myself in the middle of girls drama. I refuse to believe in continuous failure. It makes me uncomfortable when I'm talking to someone that will criticise person after person after person...who cares?!

On the down side, being so positive has made me put aside reality. I have a tendency to try and forget the failures, or anything that might have disappointed or upset me. Why is this bad? Because sometimes, I don't think realistically. When I receive a low test score, I sulk for about two minutes, and then find excuses that may have contributed to the result. I convince myself that it was bad luck, and that I would do so much better next time. While everyone's so fearless, calculating their GPAs, I sat there with my test scrunched up at the bottom of my bag, not giving a care in the world about my grades. Because i "knew" I would perform better on the next test.

But deep inside, I know it's fear that keeps me from facing reality. It's the fear that holds me back from calculating my GPA with the other kids, because I knew that if my GPA dropped, I would be even more scared and frustrated. I guess it's good that I have a positive attitude about any situation, but with time running out, I feel left behind, because while everyone's raising their grades, I'm always telling myself "I'll do better next time". and the truth is, I'm running out of "next times".

Sometimes, I get mixed feelings about a certain situation. For example, there was a time when a guy liked me. I guess he was alright, so I liked him... or so I thought. For a few months, I convinced myself that I liked this guy, when in reality, I was only flattered. We talked about emotions, and how we "know" through what we feel. But can our feelings be deceiving? What's the difference between feeling flattered, and feeling as if you like that person? In both cases, there are butterflies in your stomach. You blush when you see the other person. You become shy. I made a mistake because I thought I knew exactly what I felt.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know where I'm going to university, I don't know if I'll get my dream job. I don't even know what my dream job is. There is a fine line between "knowing" and "convincing myself that I know". And until I'm certain about anything, I guess I'll keep positive and continue to convince myself.